Wednesday, February 17, 2016

When Things Don't Go as Planned

William Blake | Ancient Days 1794
We always hope that we make good decisions, yet, I am deeply reminded that the best made decisions can not go the way you expect, would like, had hoped, wanted, wished for, desired, the way the experts planned.

Frankly, I don't know if I am cursed or not. There are moments, days, times, when I really think I am. One would think with all the prep work I do things would go swimmingly. 

I go to the top surgeons in the country (shit I travel all over to see doctors),  this is after going to top doctors here locally and up to SF. I follow protocols, I exercise. Heck...I am nearly a model patient. I follow their advice. I take a long time to make decisions. I look at research. I cross check my cabin, so to speak...Yet, despite all the best attempts by top surgeons, acupuncturists, immunologists, endocrinologists, no one has a clue what is going on. Dr Paprosky in Chicago, whom I am going to see in three weeks, leading hip revision specialist, says..."Alex, you have weird bone..." I say, #REALLY? 

The bummer is that I am 7 months post op. The reason I had surgery has not been resolved by surgery, and I have added new problems to my plate, and those problems are nasty. Not only does my femur hurt but any rotation around the hip hurts as well, and this is very new. So, that is where we are at. I have strengthened, and am getting stronger, but my pain is very precise and nasty when I move my joint around, so that #SUCKS. Don't know if any of this is resolvable, but after 7 months of an agonizing process it is sometimes depressing to realize that I have not made progress and that can be #DEPRESSING and #FRUSTRATING and if I allow myself to stay there for any length of time things can go #south qickly. 

My therapist has taught me that feelings are a choice, and it has taken a long to time to believe that...ironically, feelings come from beliefs, so the job is to examine the belief and change that to change the feeling. Work that through a bit, sounds very counter intuitive but is true. Besides the long term work of psychotherapy I have found these tools useful to work through some of those difficult moments:
  • Block the feeling and do something
  • Volunteer: One of the best medicines for getting out of your head
  • Do a quick Meditation. There is this sweet app called Stop Think & Breathe, a meditation for any given moment. Credit for this find is to my friend Zara
  • Write down things I am grateful for.  Here's a fun tool for that: 3goodthings


gblaze said...

I agree very much that feelings are a choice. I work on that every single day in meditation, and I try to be "mindful" all day long about what I am feeling and thinking. It's been extremely helpful, and it gives a completely different insight to your day and daily activities.

Alex said...

that it does indeed. It takes a long time to get there though...

Emma Joy said...

The story is all about the meditation of mind and body. gatwick meet & greet
meet and greet at gatwick

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