Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Vortex of Despair

It has been six days post op of the right shoulder surgery, and it has not been an easy road. The first two days were slightly more than typical discomfort, which I had been warned, then the third day I thought, I made it through and things were not going to be that difficult. Then, I had my silly grin wiped off my face and got served a dose of humble pie. That was Thursday. And, I was in excruciating pain, my swelling increased, and my tendons flared up. Every tiny movement in my right shoulder and arm down to my fingers sent searing pain through my arm and body. There was no escape, even very strong medicines, including oxycotin, oxycodone, and robaxin barely touched the pain; and ice, my personal favorite simply dulled it. It has been a long time since I have experienced that extent of pain -- nerve pain -- searing -- inflamed pain. OY!!! I say it in the past tense, because I think my head is above water now. I still hurt, but not over the top, out of place, sobbing hurt. I am just going to be very very careful not to move my arm too much, or my fingers, or anything in the upper right quadrant of my beloved body. Poor thing.

Thursday and Friday were the worst. I could not stop sobbing. To add to physical pain there was emotional pain (as documented by my last post). I spiraled into despair, feeling of abandonment by the universe and close friends, no one called, except my housekeeper, Pilar, or all people to check in. Of course there was Facebook to keep me warm. I diligently updated my status to elicit feedback, which I did, but, that is a weird pyscho/social phenomena. I think (know) that it distorts the meaning of friendships. It is more like a scorecard of coolness and quips. Yet, especially now, I frequently am looking it up, what other people are doing, saying, who they are commenting on. It is a pervaded and per-versed meaningful social connections. And, I am equally guilty. There are days I find it exciting and others depressing. It adds to the mood swings I have recently been suffering. And, I think as unhealthy as any other elicit substance out there. Oh well, we do have to stay connected like the rest of the schlubs out there. In fact, because my life these days is so confined to my physcial recoveries, FB is sometimes a marvelous distraction.....That is what it is....a distraction, I think, even under the best of circumstances. Hopefully, when I return to the living (or making one) I will feel less compelled to be drawn into the vortex (oh, I see, there is a theme).

Back to physical is tough, and I am not having a good time with this latest surgery. Overall, my body is not responding proactively, like it usually does. It all is out of wack...I am not finding a silver bullet to release me from my frustration. All I can do is ride it out, find hope and salvation in the small things, not be too judgmental, of myself and others, and mostly stay calm and breathing. Breathing would be very good and important to recovery. I can see I am doing better because I seem to have a sense of humor today, and I certainly haven't (owww, a twinge from typing). Ok, that is a queue to say adieu to the vortex of machinery and treat myself to warm running water to help release those poor spasmed muscles.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Challenge of keeping on going

It certainly has been a while since I have had the focus, energy, and surprisingly time to make a post. This is ironic since I am not a working professional these days. But, I have to admit, I am not sure where the time goes....

I do know I have had now two surgeries since the end of August. The hip repair has gone relatively smoothly, and now I am at the beginning of the shoulder surgery, and that is quite a new experience. it is tough. It is incredibly painful. I have been trying to not let it bring me down, but it is a challenge. It is not so much this surgery alone, but it is the whole package of ongoing surgeries.

Although I try not to let it get to me, and put a positive face forward, but my life is so much a cycle of pain, recovery, regrouping, physical therapy. It is increasingly leaving me feel disconnected from the rest of the world. Isolated, I have noticed that is has increased my feelings of not having real friends. At the same time, I know that they cannot really understand what I am going through. My primary connections these days are those I pay in one way or another -- physical therapists and other medical staff. That can add a layer of anger, disappointment, and frustration. That can be followed by feeling bad about feeling bad, which is a destructive cycle.

Some years ago my life vectored off into a place that few go. I have tried those chronic pain networks and my own disease networks. Mostly, I find those irritating and depressing. A lot of poor me's (that is mighty judgmental). At the same time, I can see value in people gathering together to vent. One, cannot always vent with and to their friends.

I have to go rest now. I needed to uncork the percolating feelings so that I maintain my sanity and keep on task. I am doing the best I can.

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