Sunday, August 16, 2015

Week 5 Post Op: Hope, Trepidation, and Gratitude

The Banquet | René Magrite 

Greeting week five with hope and trepidation. I started perking up a bit in small ways. Using a wheelchair to help move around the house; eat at the dining table, pay a few bills...yes, this is my definition of hope and excitement.

This was followed by an extreme exacerbation of a pinpoint high pain in my pelvis, making me concerned about the implications of my "tumble" last week, that I have been trying to put to the back of my mind with little success. 

I am extremely embarrassed by, mad at, frustrated with the stumble that landed me on my right pelvis (opposite my operative hip). It was a tiny movement, while I was straightening a corner of the bedding, between the wall and the bed, that landing me in a precarious position.  The one good thing I was able to do was save the most important part of my surgery, which was the femur.  However, the realization of how a single movement can result in one's undoing has been extremely unnerving –– a small shift in weight can result in losing balance in a tiny space in a walker.  If I were in a different time I would be a goner – this is how animals died on the plains and this is often the trigger of the end game in old people, and that brought a lot of things about my situation in life to a crisp focus.

Life is a fine balance, and anything can act as a tipping point.  As they say things can change on a dime. We easily forget this as we ambulate through life until something goes wrong, and it can go wrong at any time. As I get older, have more experience with difficulties, especially medical ones, I realize how temporary it all is. And, that you have to savor each and every moment. And, appreciate very small moments.

Be grateful for your loved ones and all their imperfections, be joyful of a moment of connection with anything that moves you be it a plant, animal, human, or other. Be grateful for even the tiniest of things in a given day, because I guarantee you that there is always something to be grateful for. The smallest of gratitudes build onto each other, and even on the shitiest of days you can find many things to be grateful for;  like, being grateful for having energy to pay bills...sometimes I don't even have that. So, I will take it and run with it....ok, maybe I am not running with it.... I am wheeling with it! 

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