Tuesday, August 5, 2008

When The Going Gets Tough the Tough Curl into a Fetal Position

Well, that pretty much sums it up.
It has been sheer hell. I am in over my head. I am wondering what I am doing. I am going to Vail for more surgeries. Yes, MORE! The fun never stops. 
Despite being given SSI from the federal government for my chronic medical condition (including osteonecrosis). My disability insurance company, despite having a slew of MRI test results, recommendations for surgeries, has  suggested that I  my disability would be terminated. The implication was, if I can ride a bike for 10 mins I should be able to work. Frankly, there are moments that I would rather have my legs chopped off, so I could have wheels instead. Really! I hate getting out of bed, sitting, walking, and getting up and down

All of it is a painful mess, consolidated in one body, at the same time. There are times I just wished to disappear rather than stand and fight for my rights and dignity. Hence..... curling up into a fetal ball is sometimes all I can do/want to do. There sis no rest for the wicked. As soon as you win one battle another bigger one looms, and frankly (to use the word I learned from my wonderful boss Carline) there are times I have nothing left. I am supposed to be taking care of my body and mind. It has become, so often, a burden to achieve. The mental and emotional energy to justifying my medical stuff, often takes precedent.

I am disappointed that my posts cannot be, these days, much more than spews of  the immediate. There are so many exciting topics to cover from a patient management POV, based on abstracts from my experiences, such as the mistruths in your medical records (and how to correct them) -- yes this can happen -- watch out, and how to be proactive in your medical care (and when not to be) -- that can be a fine line.

It is time to throw in the towel for this round of battle. 

Probably, if I can stand back, the lesson is how to choose your battles, and those battles you choose, be prepared to disengage.

That is the hardest lesson for me. OMhMhMhMhMhMhMh

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