Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I am 6 days post op total hip replacement. Although this should be a relatively easy surgery I am seriously struggling -- mostly emotionally. I feel like I am free falling and cannot get any firm hold on anything. The rest of my struggling joints are being hit hard by my weakened state. I am struggling with being overmedicated by the Stanford pain management team. Who I now personally hate.  Since I came home, Friday, I have not been able to stay awake. It is a horrible type of drowsiness. Saturday, I woke up at 11am, then despite my efforts fell asleep during my uncle's visit, at 1 PM and slept through 6 PM. I desperately needed to wash up, but I couldn't be bothered, nor had the equilibrium to stay alert and upright.  Basically the same thing happened Sunday and Monday. Yesterday I woke up for 1 hour and then slept until 6pm. This is so unlike me. I have never had such an extreme reaction to meds. Also, it brought along a serious desperate depression of not being loved, forsaken, raging jealousy across a wide spectrum of  "things" -- not having children, no one sending me flowers, none of my friends calling (although my neighbors have been so terrific, and Larry too), why is my life so difficult?,why do my friends have such fine lives. you name it I am feeling it. It has been a very long time since I have plummeted so far and deep. I have lashed out at Larry and succumbed to my most immature reactions. So much anger and hate. To top it off, my brain is not functioning at all. I feel like there is a hole in it. I am clearly not firing on all cylinders. My negative experience in the hospital set the stage for a lot of these issues. Larry keeps telling me to let go, let it ride, but I am not succeeding very well. Every little thing is getting under my skin. This PM I have somewhat stabilized trying to hold it together. I yearn for so much and need so much. There is no filling the hole inside. So, I keep looking at the picture of Genesha that I have here in my room, the God who removes obstacles. I am looking forward to a little peace and hopefully happiness. I have struggled for so long.

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