Saturday, November 1, 2008

The test is in the pudding

Somewhere along the line, I feel like I have missed some critical answer on a test with someone, something, somehow. And, i don't know what that was. There are some days that is the only way I can rationalize all that is going on. Logically, I think, I know otherwise, but these are the days when I actually speak to some higher power to get me through. Show me a little light, warmth, and protection. I actually recite the serenity prayer. When I do that, I know I am desperate. I guess desperate times require desperate measures (from my perspective).

This last Tuesday , in the midst of all my stuff, Larry had a significant fall. It has resulted in (by working the hell out of the system along with some really amazing people, like Dr Hackett and his team) a significant shoulder surgery including metal parts to put him back together again. I bet Humpty Dumpty wished there was a Dr Hackett for him. This all started as I was coming up for air from the last surgery nearly 3 weeks ago. Of course, this added another layer of spoiled ricotta to our diet. We had to move heaven and earth to pull resources together and most importantly take care of our worldly and dearest creatures, especially Enzo.

Thursday it was decided that Larry would need surgery, which requires quite a bit of immobilization in a funny arm sling. In order to accomplish the surgery in the time we have, currently in Vail it needs to be done by Tuesday the 4th -- that is next Tuesday. All agreed. Our challenge was to get the animals covered and help on our end here in Vail, especially since I need to get through my elbow surgery the following week. So, Thursday night, after many family conversations Larry decided to drive home and get Enzo and Misha (and take all the kitchen stuff we accumulated). That is a 18 hour drive. We packed up the house Thursday night. Friday morning Larry had his Pre op clearance appointment, which we are still not out of the woods with, since Larry smokes, drinks, has high blood pressure, and is near 50. By Friday noon, Larry was sent off in a comfortable car with our stuff to get home Saturday night (tonight), get new support at the house, and turn around Sunday morning to arrive Monday night. I, in the meantime, am trying to get the house together with two painful arms. In fact my body is wracked with pain in all the fun and game joints. So, to sum things up. I feel like I am being squeezed (once again) through a really small portal, which I am far to big for. So, there are a lot of rough points along the way.

So, this goes back to my first point of being tested. And, it only seems to increase and never stop. Is it me? The world (that is certainly happening these days), who the fuck knows. But, man, it is exhausting and stressful. I find moments of pure joy, when I find a great thing at the thrift store (like some cheap champagne glasses) that I can do flower arrangements in. it is followed by hard work. A lot of tight and important coordination.

My body and soul are so tired. We are gritting our teeth and getting through. The cost is high. And, I do wonder can I/we pull through this and everything else. How we are going to manage is a mystery and yet to unfold. And, I guess that is the larger metaphor (or only one). That really everything in life is a mystery, despite our efforts to plan the future. Like a lotus flower it will unfold and show us it's wonders. I am watching.

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