It certainly has been a while since I have had the focus, energy, and surprisingly time to make a post. This is ironic since I am not a working professional these days. But, I have to admit, I am not sure where the time goes....
I do know I have had now two surgeries since the end of August. The hip repair has gone relatively smoothly, and now I am at the beginning of the shoulder surgery, and that is quite a new experience. it is tough. It is incredibly painful. I have been trying to not let it bring me down, but it is a challenge. It is not so much this surgery alone, but it is the whole package of ongoing surgeries.
Although I try not to let it get to me, and put a positive face forward, but my life is so much a cycle of pain, recovery, regrouping, physical therapy. It is increasingly leaving me feel disconnected from the rest of the world. Isolated, I have noticed that is has increased my feelings of not having real friends. At the same time, I know that they cannot really understand what I am going through. My primary connections these days are those I pay in one way or another -- physical therapists and other medical staff. That can add a layer of anger, disappointment, and frustration. That can be followed by feeling bad about feeling bad, which is a destructive cycle.
Some years ago my life vectored off into a place that few go. I have tried those chronic pain networks and my own disease networks. Mostly, I find those irritating and depressing. A lot of poor me's (that is mighty judgmental). At the same time, I can see value in people gathering together to vent. One, cannot always vent with and to their friends.
I have to go rest now. I needed to uncork the percolating feelings so that I maintain my sanity and keep on task. I am doing the best I can.
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